Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Randomize
