Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
