everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
