I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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