I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Someone signed my nipple.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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