You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
