If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Why is your signature on my underwear?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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