I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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