We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
