Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
