can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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