you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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