Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
