he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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