you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
