so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
