Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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