I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.