she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
