My room smells like vodka and shame
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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