I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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