Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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