I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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