you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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