Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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