You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
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She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
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Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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