wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
