my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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