Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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