... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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