the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
