I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
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After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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