you mean i was at the winter classic?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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