Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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