he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
