Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
