He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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