I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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