If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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