ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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