Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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