The maid of honor just puked.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight