You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever