Only a mothe r could love this liver
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
