bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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