Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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