I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.