I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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