M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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