My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
