I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
