yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
