You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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