I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
