So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Randomize
