does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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