wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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