You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
